The iSavta Team | 13.11.2019

Understanding Anger

It is only human to feel anger when something happens to hurt you or upset your plans. This is a natural healthy response, especially when someone you love falls ill of becomes disabled. Anger is a complex emotion, often suppressed because we feel guilty about expressing it. Women, especially, grow up believing it is wrong to be angry and to show it. If you can get to the root of your anger, you will have gone part of the way towards dealing with it.

Understanding Guilt

Many carers say guilt is the strongest of their feelings. There are many reasons for this – not being able to make things better for the person you love, being embarrassed by their strange behaviour or losing your temper. More than any other feeling, guilt can stop you doing what you should. If you do things not because they are right in themselves but because they will ease your guilt, you may well find yourself going in the wrong direction. Talking this over with someone who does not share your guilty feelings may help you to see your situation in a different light.

Do’s and Don’ts

Anger can get out of control and lead to irrational judgements and decisions, even violence.

• Do discuss your problems with the doctor or care professional; either may be able to refer you to someone who can help.
• Do not seek the help of a specialist organisation that has knowledge of your patient’s illness; they will be able to empathise with your situation and offer you and your relative advice and support.
• Do get away from your patient for a few minutes if you feel yourself becoming tense. First, make sure he can be safely left on his own.
• Do try to understand that your patient may feel angry and frustrated at times. He may also feel guilty about having to rely on you so much.
• Don’t cut yourself off from friends because you are angry with them for not sharing your suffering. You will only isolate yourself further and become embittered.
• Don’t be ashamed of your anger. Talk about your feelings before they become overwhelming.

Coping with Loneliness and Isolation

It is easy to become isolated as a carer. You may find that you are too busy to keep up with friends and family. If people visit less frequently; it may be because they see that you are busy, and worry that they may be in the way. Sometimes people stop visiting because they are embarrassed about your patient’s illness. The following positive steps may help:

• Make time to contact people and reassure them that you still need their friendship and support;
• Try to be open and honest about your feelings and your needs – don’t shut people out or try to pretend that you can cope on your own. To feel happy in your caring role you also need to feel supported and loved;
• Be open about your patient’s illness and what it means in terms of daily care;
• Offer reassurance to people if they are frightened or upset by the signs of the illness – remember that they are not as familiar as you are with the situation;
• Enlist the help of your patient’s relatives, and involve them in the care if you can. People are often happier if they know they are making a positive contribution.

Recognising Depression

They may be times when everything gets on top of you, when you don’t know where you will find the resolve to go on. Normally, these feelings pass if you talk to a friend, another carer, get a good night’s sleep or take a break. Sometimes, however, they persist and develop into depression. Some of the more common symptoms of depression to watch out for are:

• Tearfulness and/or irritability;
• Tiredness;
• Feelings of inadequacy;
• Lack of concentration;
• Fitful sleep, or too much sleep;
• Eating all the time, or complete loss of appetite;
• A sense of futility in life.

If you are experiencing any of these symptoms, you need to find someone to talk to about the way you feel – someone you are able to confide in and with whom you feel safe. This might be a friend, a doctor or an outsider, such as counsellor.

 

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